Talorn

Late ass getting going

DM tazes himself because he so bored.

We take forever to level up and play because we want Danny to taze himself.

Anyway….

We begin by looting. We find 7,000 gold and load up on general supplies like rations, ammo, and other provisions. Isila, Boulderbeard, and Gabark will hold up at Farmer Joe’s while the rest of our party takes news and supplies to the city. Finally emerging from the depths of the dungeon, we are stopped by a group of savages. Even though Evennia was awesomely diplomatic and said we come in peace in masterful Christopher Lee-like Role Playing, they decide to attack us anyway. I am not so good at battle commentary, but they have this huge Thug thing that dazes Roghar. That sucks. This other guy uses some kind of dancing lightning attack and hits 3 of us. (We take a quick 5 mins to have a giggle fest about strange noises.) Gabark bloodies the giant thug with a daily and the thug is quickly taken down. We put up quite a fight and we get down to one enemy. He proves to be a sneaky bastard, though, and takes several of us to bring him down. Gabark and Tristrim proceed to urinate on his corpse (gross).

DM says something awesome and I quote: “Things on the Island are uneventful except for the chaos.”

We sail to the mainland. We arrive at Farmer Joe’s to find Jesus pig in awesome condition. Walking on water and such like. Roghar, Evennia, and Tristrim leave the others at the farm and head to Glyrath. Our homecoming to Glyrath doesn’t live up to Roghar’s expectations, but it seems a joyous occasion. The mayor asks for a recap and Roghar reluctantly with an “uhh….” recaps the events. We unload the ship and give the city back their stolen goods and Roghar gives 3,400 gold to the family and loved ones of the fallen and makes the rest of us look like Chaotic Evils. Tristrim then tells the mayor a lie and says the real culprit of the Island was a man named Quasar.
After a good rest in Glyrath, we head back to the farm to reconnect with the other members. We decide to head out west to the Stone Summit so that Gabark can face his demons. We give Jesus pig a pat on the head as we embark on the road. Many dwarves ambush us on the road. They look sickly and starving. They cry out “We must not let them reach the summit!” Gabark tries to tell them to stop attacking. They keep coming at us. Boulderbeard and Gabark deliberate about whether or not to kill their kinsman even though they seem a bit “off.” Evennia and Gabark yell to Tristrim to throw some of his 41 pounds of dried meat. They scramble and fight for the meat. Each dwarf eats about 2 pounds of meat. Sated, the dwarves tell Boulderbeard and Gabark that they were attacked from the inside and all they have worked for are all gone. All the women and children are dead. Gabark looks at his brother declares there is murdering afoot.

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Vomit Door

Back to the door. The door does not have a handle. Tristrim Roadhouses’ it to no avail. Gabark saunters up to the door and jams his meaty hand down his throat. Rohgar uses Gabark’s head like a fire hose. Vomit covers the door and ruins the tarnish. A sudden opening and flames fly out of a hole in the door. Gabark and Rohgar do a synchronized double lux back triple tuck and land arm in arm. Tristrim and Rohgar attempt to use Tristrim’s half-life crowbar and schwing, the door crawls open. Tristrim yells “I see daylight, and a human cultist” followed by “what the”.

An intricate plan is laid. Rohgar angles Gabarks’ butt cheeks while he farts and Rombolas’s shoots a fireball through it. It goes horribly wrong and Tristrim hand is singed for 5 points of damage. Rohgar pops his head through and says “whats up?” and the guy answers with a stab-attempt to the face.

BATTLE!

First attack and Rohgar stabs the guy and murder death kills him. The door is still ajar, but only slightly. Rohgar challenges Tristrim to a pulling open the door contest, and he accepts. Rohgar slams his side open. Evennia pokes her head in and sees a room full of people at a dance party and then some giant 9×9 thing. TWIST! Isila is in the room being held prisoner. Gabark also thinks he recognize the dwarf in the room and asks us not to kill him.

So Tristrim and Rohgar stand in the doorway and maul a bunch of guys who run at them. They trade friendly banter and beef jerky. Gabark teleports.

Gabark: Boulderbeard?
???: Who speaks my name?
Gabark: It’s me fool!
Boulderbeard: Is that you Gabark?
Gabark: Yeah, where’ve you been?
Boulderbeard: Don’t you remember I got convicted of a crime I didn’t commit and have been running?
Gabark: Yeah and I’ve been looking for you and…
Boulderbeard: And…?
Gabark: And ummm, yeah I got something terrible to tell you, and thats it was me who framed you.
Boulderbeard: You what?!?
Gabark: It’s the worst thing I’ve ever done and have been seeking you since…
… Boulderbeard thinks…. and then yells and tells the Behemoth to attack Gabark. It rushes him. Cue FF3 music.

Gabark is gored for 35 big ones. Behemoth gores him again for 22 and Gabark is down. Boulderbeard runs over and attempts to finish him, but misses. Gabark is slumped over against the wall in a pool of blood.

We all attack the Behemoth but he doesn’t care. Isila screams some more stuff. Boulderbeard tells the Behemoth to attack our meat shields. The Behemoth tramples the lot of us like a dick. Rombolas shoves Rohgar out of the way, saving him but getting his own legs trampled. Rohgar says he’ll carry him around in a basket. Evennia raises Tristrim. Tristrim goes over and hollas to Isila. She says she can get us out. Tristrim lets her free and she bolts, saying “I’m outta here, follow me if you want”. Tristrim tackles Isila it super hair flowing slow motion and yells “It’s just been revoked”.

Rohgar raises Gabark. Gabark gives Boulderbeard an oscar winning speech asking for his just judgement, and to leave his friends out of it. And then rolls a 19 for diplomacy. Boulderbeard raises his sword but then drops it and hugs Gabark. And dwarven tears smell like beer. The Behemoth is called off.

Evennia talks to Isila. She came to work with Boulderbeard but he slowly got insane. Eventually he thought she was a traitor due to his furthering crazy and he had her locked up.

The plan is now for Tristrim, Rohgar and Evennia to go back to town to tell them the the threat is over and Isila, Boulderbeard, Rombolas and Gabark we’ll all meet back up at Thail’s Farm.

Errrone gets level 6.

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Substitute For Kevin

Wait…what? I dunno…shut up

The party sleeps in the dungeon, it was uneventful (suprisingly for a Danny Campaign, perhaps the doom is to come). The party ventures carefully down the halls being quite stealthy, until Rohgar and Tristrim come to a door that Gabark had passed. The stealthyness is broken by the SMASH of Tristrim “lockpicking” the door with his giant club. Rohgar stepping in gets smashed by a giant rock, fantastic, oh and he’s unconscience.
Moving on, Gabark takes to shooting blindly down hallways, then gets nice and personal with the wall.
Trudging forth Tristrim takes a side way and falls into a small pit filled with small slits that contain crossbows, riddling his legs with bolts. After a fumbled attempt at Dwarven Medicine from Gabark, Evennia comes to the rescue!
Along the way the party encounters an extremely sturdy metal door. The party tries several methods to open the door but it defies all conventional methods of thievery and muscleyness.

Then there was a tornado warning in Indiana and we had to stop =(
Be safe you guys.

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Gelatinous Rhino

Fart.

The battle rages on. Gabark fires an arrow at the deceptively intimidating Orc Freak. Suddenly, Orc Freak smashed Tristrim so hard that 20 years in the future Tristrim’s son starts screaming while he watches his hand disappear (Credit Seanbaby for this joke). Rombolas tries something but it just ends up being embarrassing. Tristim rolls over onto a bandaid and is no longer dying. Evennia brings Tristim back from the dead. Rohgar charges in and further heals the man, he then makes ready an offensive gesture for use at a time of dire need. Human Hexer runs in and vaporizes the Orc Freak. An archer tries to attack Tristrim but is distracted by his pectoral muscles. It’s a well known fact in the medical community that pictures of Tristrim’s pecs are used in third world countries as a substitute for fertility drugs. Garbark fires an arrow and Rombolas fires some fire at the archer causing him much suffering. Tristrim finishes the job with one archer and all that remains is a very unhappy other-archer, which Evennia makes short work of. Thus completes this encounter and we begin searching the bodies. Tristrim and Gabark requisition each a giant club the size of Gabark.

We head down the hallway to the north and decide to get through a wooden door. There is no doorknob so it’s head-butting time. Tristrim and Rohgar slam the door so hard that train wrecks thought their father was coming home. Gabark takes a peak into the room and Rombolas shove him and himself into it. Tristrim follows after an unsuccessful attempt at convincing one of the Human Hexers to groom his hair. The 3 of us find ourselves suddenly trapped inside a Gelatinous Cube. Gabark decides to start eating his way out. Tristrim tries brute force, no good. Rombolas hits it with a hadoken! He’d like some pound cake. Rogar, at the permission of those found within the gelatin, throws a grenade in the gelatin. The grenade goes off inside the gelatin (because Gabark’s Engineer’s fuses burn underwater). 1/3 of the cube is shook into melted jello and Gabark and Tristrim are awesomely disoriented, yet have slight mobility now. Gabark ties a rope to an arrow and the other end to himself. The knots he used were so awesome they are still studied by master sailors. He fires the arrow out of the cube and it lands in Evennia’s hands. Rombolas pushes Gabark towards the hole in the gelatin and it increases in size slightly. Tristrim forces his head through the arrow hole and screams for other people to pull the rope, gettin a little hot in this rhino. Evennia and Rohgar start pulling the rope, Rohgar heaves a mighty ho and Gabark comes flying out of the gelatin. Tristrim is hanging halfway out of the cube and Rombolas is only slightly closer to freedom. The gelatinous cube slops forward and engulfs Gabark again. Luckily Rohgar still has the rope so he grabs all the lackeys in tow and they all start pulling. Gabark makes a face so angry it uses a standard action, and resumes eating the gelatin. Rombolas tries another hadoken, no so good this time. Evennia uses this opportunity to make fun of Tristim’s split ends, burn. Tristrim tries to think of something to do while Evennia continues to taunt the hair. He decides to pull himself out but is too slimy to make it happen. With a mighty pull they bring Gabark and Tristrim out and they come crashing into the rescue group. Rombolas is pulled out to the point where he is halfway out of the blob. The blob forms a jelly hammer and smashed it into Evennia. Rohgar instructs the Hexers to shoot magic missiles at the cube around Rombolas, freeing him to the cold grip of the dungeon floor.

Gabark and Rombolas run to the back of the adjacent room and fire an arrow/eldrich blast at the cube. The latter somehow being dodged by the massive mindless blob. Tristrim is confused. The blob shrinks itself to fit through the door and engulfs Evennia and Rohgar. Rohgar tries to heal everyone but its not too easy when you’re lodged in 10 tons of Smucker’s. All the lackeys start shooting and stabbing in a free for all. The gelatinous cube is bloodied, or jellied. Gabark and Rombolas do the usual attacks with familiar results. Tristrim unleashes his most ferocious attack with all the gusto of a melee basic. Despite being inside the blob, Evennia damages the gelatin so much that Jello filed civil lawsuit. An attack so awesome that everyone around her was healed by the erotic energy. Rohgar does his best at 1-upmanship and executes an attack so equivalent to Evennia’s that mimes all over the world began weeping. The cube is defeated and melts, creating a nice sheen on the marble floor.

We enter the blob’s room and begin looking for treasures. With the Lackey’s help we manage to find:

Small Obsidian (41 gp each)
2 x Small Turquoise (42 gp each)
Uncut Malachite (46 gp each)
2 x Uncut Moss Agate (43 gp each)
+1 Magic Armor (phb 230, 360 gp) Cloth Armor (phb 214)
hoard total 729 gp

+400 Experience for defeating the Gelatinous Cube

What feats of daring face our group of adventurers as they press on in this mazical dungeon? No one will ever know.

Fart.

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Widdershins

Deciding to get out of smashed and burned guys room and leave the archers behind, we head south down the hallway. Rohgar peers around the corner and doesn’t see anything. Using his shield to peek around corners, he continues down the hall not seeing anything. Gabark, feeling the wall surface, notices a well crafted button in the wall and pushes it, opening the next door we come across. Inside the room there are stacks of crates. Rohgar cracks open a crate and in it is filled with supplies. We begin to sifting through them and looting. We arrange to carry the supplies up to the surface to our awaiting army. Word from above tells Rombolas that we have broken through the lines with 20 casualites and no sign of Isila. They have killed an additional 50 soldiers and taken 45 prisoners. We are left with 3/4 of our force.

Moving along to the south door, Rohgar steps through and iron bars slam down on all 3 doors in the supply crate room, trapping us in the crate room and Rohgar in the southern room. Unable to figure out a way to move the bars, Tristrim and Rohgar attempt to crowbar the bars apart. The crate room ceiling begins to lower. Frantically we stack boxes to try to block the ceiling. Gabark yells to the archers in the hallway to push that button that let us in the crate room to begin with. Miraculously the ceiling raises and the iron bars raise.

Deciding to go forward, we move into the next room and Gabark notices some pressure plates. Gingerly we step over then and proceed. Gabark inspects the next door we come across, noting that its a regular door. Tristrim decides to headbutt it, and it opens just fine. Gabark notices no trappiness in the room. Rombolas perceives no magic, however Tristrim says “Outta the way nerd. I know magicks when I see it.” Tristrim notices, with his sudden Arcana knowledge, a chest. Inside it contains 2700 gold. Gabark takes care of the next door and Tristrim and Rombolas have a little girly wrestling match out of boredom.

Tristrim heads into the next hallway finding a stairwell and he heads down with a mighty “tick tick tick tick.” We are led into another maze of hallways. Splitting up to explore faster, one of the archers decides to mess with a door and green gas pours into the room knocking the archer out. Rombolas also falls peril to the gas, muttering obscenities as he falls into a sleep. Gabark holds his breath to attempt to step into the gas cloud and try to examine the door that triggered the trap. He can’t hold out, however, and soon falls into the sleeping man pile. Rohgar tries to ram the trap door and buckles it. Unfortunately Rohgar, too, can’t hold out against the gas and adds bulky lizardness to the sleepy pile. One of the mages attempts to freeze the nozzles shut and slows the gas.

Hearing clamor in the upper hallway, Tristrim and Evennia turn around from the southern hallway exploration and head over to where the rest of the party members are. Gabark and Rombolas manage to wake up and move out of the cloud. Unfortunately Rohgar’s face is right on the nozzle. Gabark attempts to dent the nozzle with his shield and fails, managing only to smash Rohgar’s big boy parts. Tristrim comes up behind Rombolas and Rombolas tells him “Man….this sucks.” The mage manages to freeze the second nozzle and Tristrim pulls Rohgar out of the cloud. Tristrim then smashes the door and we head into the room behind the booby trapped door.

Beyond the crappy gas door, we find 2 large (and in charge) orcs and 2 archers. Tristrim throws a piece of wood at an orc and he runs away. The orc gets mad and runs through the door after Tristrim. Rombolas shoots a fireball and misses. Gearing up for the worst fight ever, Gabark opens with his daily, hits…..and the orc is dead?!?!? Gabark is pissed he burned his daily. Tristrim charges through the gas and back into the room and bloodies the next orc. Evennia moves past the gas and into the room ready for battle. Gabark edges just outside the gas cloud in the hallway and Rombolas makes it into the room. Tristrim swings his halberd in a widdershins arc and hits all three enemies bloodying one. The archers manage to hit Tristrim with arrows.

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Yeeeeaaah
We set up a mighty defense in the ‘reception’ area of the dungeon. Suddenly, footsteps from down the north hall way. Some sort of wall-ish contraption is being pushed down the narrow hallway, and we notice a lever being activated and the bars in the entranceway slam down again. The moving wall makes its way closer and a few flaming balls are tossed over it into our area. Peculiar things, leaking some sort of flammable gel. We quickly decide to toss the couple of corpses on them, hopefully smothering them. Gabark lets loose a volley of fiery arrows into the wall/table thing. One of the balls decides it’s time to blow up, spewing its sticky fire glue onto most of the group. Rombolas welcome the acidic, napalmy goodness and embraces it lovingly. Gabark gets a good splattering and it begins to eat away at his chestpiece. Evennia, too, is smothered and her armor starts melting away. Oh no! Rohgar and Tristrim and try to deftly scoop up some of the volatile goop and utilize it to melt the bars between the ball tossers and their harbingers of death. Whilst they are occupied with this, Rombolas channels the power of one thousand suns and hurls his concentrated conflagration toward the bars, effectively warping them, through to the feeble table. Gabarks makes an reflexive attempt to shoot arrows through the flying fiery boulder, but he’s blinded by the unholy fires of hell. The perpetrators expectedly withdraw. Gabark craftily manages to raise the pressure plate in the floor, causing the bars to the east and north to raise back up into the ceiling. The dwarf then decides to attempt to pick up one of the glowing, superheated, 2 inch thick bars which broke off when the mechanism was raised. Somehow he manages to shoot it like an arrow down the hallway and down a flight of stairs. We hear a man go, “AHHH what the hell! AHHH! FAAAHK!” Intrigued, we decide to witness the poor sap and his shitting-themselves-with-fear cronies. Rohgar challenges Tristrim to a going down the hallway first contest. Tristrim accepts. We decide the winner by picking up one of the remaining red hot steel bars and the first to let go loses. The lizard’s scaley talons are no match for the calloused, meaty, norseman-like palms of Tristrim. Tristrim goes first. Going down the hall, we see the glowing rod, impaled through the poor guy’s nards. His friends nowhere in sight. There’s a door to the right, Rohgar wants to bust through it. Tristrim agrees. The meat duo decide to bust the door down with a simultaneous headbutt. After three attempts the door is ever-so-slightly budges. Gabark saunters over and declares “Hey guys, check this out.” Gabark reaches for a latch and the door creaks open. Rohgar curses the confounded contraption. We go into the small room, there is a narrow pit, covered with iron bars. Rattling sounds can be from inside. Rohgar cracks a sunrod and drops it down in there. A swarm of rats are seen gnawing on a decayed body. An iron chest can be seen down there as well. With many mighty “Eek!”s, the rats get burninated by Rombolas. Gabark inspects inspects and easily figures out the lock while Evennia keeps an eye out for ambushers. Inside we find: -3x carved banded agate (171 gp each) -3 x crown azurite (174 gp each) -2 x crown blue quartz (189 gp each -3 x uncut sardonyx (176 gp each) -falchion (phb 218) -4065 gp After all that the stout one knocks upon the iron door in the other corner of the room. Nothing happens. Rohgar inspects the door and finds a lever. Rombolas rolls a fuckin 20 thievery and notices another lever on the door and sees that it allows the lever to have two settings: left or right. He reasons that if it pushes to the right it will open. And so it does. rRhgar goes down the hallway and peeks around the corner to find another door. Walking down the hall to the door off to the left is a yet another door. Gabark attempts to sneak in the room but his beard is too loud or something and the enemies are very well alerted to our presence. Oh shit it’s epic knife guy again! Gabark, Looney Toons-style, remembers the burning, horrid acid on his chest from 3 scenes ago is still on him. Fuck it burns! Knife guy charges Gabark and swings at him, and the dwarf shifts away to safety. Safe for him but not so much for Rombolas. An archer Robin Hoods an arrow into Rombolas’ face and drops him like a deuce. The crafty dwarf uses his ranger powers to masterfully rewind time and negate the deadly attack, causing it to miss completely. The devil tries to burn some foo’s but chokes amidst the storm of attacks headed his way. He runs away. Tristrim charges from the back and swings!.. and misses. Rohgar, mighty warlord makes a feeble attempt to damage stabby guy. But he divinely inspires Tristrim to swing again, this time hitting for 11 points of damage while arrows fly just overhead. We begin to strategerize and decide to fall back into the room with the floorpit to lure the enemies down that way. Evennia healing the fighter on the way. Mr. Stabby follows, gashing open the lizard with his mystical dagger. The archers continue to miss. Gabark leaps up the walls Jackie Chan-like and breaks open a healing potion into Rohgar’s mouth. Restoring his dragony vitality. The archer readies his Insightful arrow and launches it into Rohgar. He shouts back for another potion. Rombolas sits Gabark down for a 6-second college lecture on the history of poison-tipped arrows. Rohgar being the last to retreat heals himself on the way while Evennia uses magic paladin healing on him as well and Tristrim tosses a healing potion at him. They’re soon followed by Mcstabberson and as soon as he is in sight Rombolas unleashes the Flames of Fellacio upon him. Tristrim being in front gets swung at with the doomly dagger and is missed. Mcstabberson being in the doorway, Tristrim flips the door switch to the left and 2 nozzles in the ceiling above him spew a shower of fire upon him for 35 damage. Tristrim flips the switch to it’s center position and the douche is pinned in the heavy iron door and it continues to crush him. Rohgar and Tristrim seize the opportunity and start headbutting him, Gabark joins in. After a few hits Rombolas steps forward and commands him to tell us what we want to know and Stabby guy monotonely replies "No, I will not tell you anything because I am being crushed by the door I put together. The door continues to crush the guy and it finally closes completely on him, cracking bones and squeezing entrails etc. Rohgar steps back and lets out a quiet exhale. Turning back to the rest of the group he spouts “I guess he couldn’t (retracts lizardy eye membranes) handle the pressure.” YEEEEEEEEAH. With that way shut, we turn back to retrieve more of our soldiers.

Evennia 5500
Gabark 5550
Rohgar 5775
Rombolas 5100
Tristrim 5725

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Well we killed the big guy..?

With the giant ogre slain the army settles down for the night, it is a unifying hope that the night shall treat them well..miraculously it has!
Fashioning a battering ram throughout the morning the army deploys it with perfect precision.
So precise that debris from the explosion comes back and hits tristrim and rohgar.
The door flies into a rage and is eliminated, the fortress has been breached!
Upon inspection Gabark sees things that remind him of possible trap and enlists the help of the mighty Rombolas to assist with the disarming of said traps.
Unable to discern anything of the trap its decided instead to shield the trap and endure instead of disarm. The trap sprung, bars come down taking the life of one soldier and injuring another. Stranding Gabark inside a room with manned firing positions.
Solving the obstacle of the bars with an explosive the party spills into the room.
With some ingenuity Gabark invents the grenade. The party delivers them into the firing slits in the hopes of sploding whomever was back there, aided by Tristrims expertly STABBYSTAB action.

Pinned in this room the party tries to lay a trap for a group of reinforcements coming down the hallway. The plan seems to be executed well, the first wave is handled swiftly. Rombolas wings a firebolt down the hall and splodes some dudes. Evennia unfortunately throws short of her mark and her grenade. Gabark flings arrows true over shoulders to find exposed parts of enemies. Tristrim burned his hands, things happened stuff went down and then the session ended

tune in next week

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Assaulting the Main Fort

We begin with Tristrim and his meaty hands knocking out the bandit leader, who lands on Rhogars junk. Now it’s time to implement the plan — trick the dude into making him think he’s back in his camp and needs to report. Rohgar, Gabark and Rombolas are fake tied up outside. The guy is placed in a tent. Tristrim is dressed up like a giant officer mongo guy and Evennia is playing the roll of Isila. T&E wake him up and ask him what happened to him. Bandit leader is confused and looking for his weapon. Tristrim tells him he’s with the Merchant District Unit here to take over for some guy who died. Bandit leader says he never heard of this guy at the meeting they held a few days ago. Tristrim steers the conversation with a successful bluff check. Bandit leader says he remembers fighting a group of 5 guys when a giant dragon scared him. He continues to say that since they found scouts a few weeks ago they’ve been beefing up their numbers and all holed up in the main fort. A breeze comes (suspiciously) and blows open the tent flap. Now the guys all riled up because he saw the three tied up outside and wants to go mess up their grills. He runs up to Rohgar and asks “Are you ready to meet your maker?” More banter. Rohgar tries to intimidate him and does. He goes over to Gabark and Gabark pushed his neck all up into his sword. Raising his blade up, while watching Rohgar, swings it down on Gabark. Tristrim tries to stop him but has been eating popcorn and his hands are buttery. Gabark takes a bit of damage. Rombolas scares him and bandit guy cries on the ground.

All said there are about 500 bad guys on the island. 30% conscript, 60% military, 10% elite. All are at the main base.

Rohgar decides we should kill him, so Gabark circles behind him and chokes him out with his (Gabark’s) beard. Rombolas gives some sort of historical speech to inspire the troops.

Gabark pulls off “a massive barrage of ridiculousness” and him and his archers provide a wall of cover for the engineers. The engineers moves in to “blow the fuck out (it)”. Which they do. Boom. Big boom. Gabark and his archers provide another round of cover and the engineers take out another tower. There isn’t much above ground, and a good part is wrecked. We regroup and charge. 100ft away a giant 12ft tall ogre comes lumbering out with a giant club. Gabark orders the archers to attack the ogre and that the lease good of the catapults to be made into a battering ram. 8 arrows hit the ogre dead on causing him to get more pissed off and throws a handler. Rombolas tries to scare him with fire, but he just throws another of his handlers. And the battle begins.

Ogre comes charging in and thumbs T&E. Tristrim rings the spittle out of his hair and goes mafia on him and cuts the crap out of the ogres knee. Gabark misses and Evennia lays down a zone of happiness. Rohgar smacks him good and allows Tristrim to shift all up in it. Rombolas misses. The ogre goes and now Tristrim is bleeding out of his ears. Not to be out muscled, Tristrim rolls the second perfect 20 in a row and returns the favor. Gabark grabs the five finest archers they all miss. The mages all start firing magic missiles. The tank shows up. The ogre goes and now Evennia and Rohgar are bleeding. Tristrim tosses Gabark up on the tank. The tank shoots and bloodies the ogre. Gabark reloads it and we fire again. Direct chestular hit. The ogre is super mad, so he charged and tries to smash the cannon but misses and is now literally looking down the barrel. Gabark uses his mace to make a little bit of space and Tristrim throws some powder, Gabark’s mace, a crowbar and some forks into the cannon. Gabark throws 10 arrows into the cannon and lights it. The cannon is destroyed on the tank and the ogre is gone, save his legs. Gabark jumps up and declares “awesome!”.

We now take a rest. The engineers build the battering ram through the night. We set up a full perimeter, staggered soldiers, 1 up 3 down surrounding the entire complex. Triggering mechanism so when the front of the battering ram (cannon) impacts the wall it explodes.

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The Assault part 2

The opening round….everyone misses. Sick of this crap, Tristrim takes his turn to hit a critical. Knife guy tries to run in a rage toward the mages and Gabark. The mages slay him with 4 rounds of magic missiles.

Looting after the battle, we notice this fort, which we had overtaken before, (DM quote “f***ing trashed the place”)has been reinforced. We find food and provisions, but the greatest find is a damaged cannon with about 15 cannon balls. The body of knife guy yields a Sweet Knife we take for Rombolas.

Using Tristrim’s athletic leadership, our army manages to break through the west lines. Roghar tells the mages to assist in getting a message to the engineers. They decide to command a bird to fly a written message to the engineers telling them to come to the fort with tools and begin making siege engines. Gabark begins to fix the cannon like Forrest Gump assembles a rifle. (GOD DAMMIT GABARK! YOU ARE A GOD DAMN GENIUS!) We rest to wait on the engineers.

Roghar and Gabark talk to the dwarven engineers and plan to make a Medieval Tank out of provisions of the fort and the cannon.

We go back to battle taking care of a weak point where our side has been annihilated. We must defeat the enemies in 8 turns. (I can’t remember all the details because Sean is making me laugh too hard.) The round opens with some sweet dodging and defense by Evennia. Many opportunity attacks hit and one enemy dies by the start of the 2nd round. Tristrim takes heavy damage. He goes down and his regen brings him back. The bandits are crapping themselves with fear. (Yes…poop.) Tristrim uses the momentum of his arm reattaching from regenerating being down and dazed to hit 4 enemies with Sweeping Strike. The leader, however, manages to transform Tristrim into a rat. Roghar puts Rat Tristrim onto his shoulder to keep him safe and Tristrim squeaks in appreciation.

After some exchanges, Tristrim is back, but Roghar is now a squirrel. After Roghar comes back, Tristrim gets made into a piglet. We manage to kill all the bandits in turn 7 but the leader who is turning everyone into animals is still alive. Many shots miss and things are not looking good. Intimidation is our only option and we need to get a 27 or better…and Roghar BARELY rolls a 28 intimidate saving us from an invasion.

Heading back to check on the tank, Gabark helps and it is finished. This ends assault day 2!

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Back to Crapland

After speaking with the Mayor of Glyrath he agrees to help us with the assault on the island and offers the following resources:

  • 3 ships (for artillery support)
  • 15 Engineers (for construction of camp and siege equipment if needed)
  • 20 Archers
  • 100 Foot soldiers – Local militia (armed with pikes, swords, shields)
  • 20 Kegs of gunpowder (to blow holes in fortifications and other such awesome things)
  • 20 Demolitions Specialists (to handle the stuff)
  • Trackers and Forestry Specialists – Local farmers/militia/volunteer – Charisma Check
  • 2 Wizards
  • 15 Healers/Doctors/Nurses
  • Rations to support the army for a Month
  • Daily Bombardments – Scheduled areas so camp is setup out of the kill zone

We take 2 weeks to prepare for the assault, make purchases and iron out the details. We (Evennia) decide to keep Isila alive if possible.

The regular bombardments of the island continue however the trajectory has been modified to soften Isila’s forces. As the bombardments continue we set sail for the island and decide land on the north side of the island. We land on the island and set up camp and being organizing. The trackers are sent out to recon the island. They find all the forts rebuilt, though crudely. They also see roving patrols of cavalry about the perimeter of the forts. We first decide to set up an ambush to trap one of the roving cavalry groups in an effort to steal their horses. The cavalry arrive and the trap is sprung. Rombolas sets a wall of fire, trapping the cavalry. Gabark instructs the archers in such a way that they suddenly understand how to fire their bows expertly. In a horrifying barrage of sniper accurate arrows, all 15 horsemen are downed at once. Tristrim, disappointed, runs out and stabs a few people for the hell of it. Rombolas decides not to burn the bodies in hopes of saving their uniforms. Our group procures the finest 5 war horses in the group and divvy up the remaining horses amongst the wizards and a select few foot soldiers. We send a runner back to tell the ships to move out to the fort docks to blockade the supply shipments.

We press forward to meet the opposing force at fort furt and the battle begins. A crazy man runs out of the fort screaming and makes for Rohgar. As the man approaches Rohgar jumps from his horse and tries to smash him with his weight, the man being sly of foot narrowly dodges the attack and pushes Rohgar to the ground, attacking him just after. Evennia and Rohgar swing and hit, but it is absorbed. Gabark fires one off in the woods doing nothing, sweet. Rombolas curses the man and attacks, burninatin. Tristrim misses, spends an action point and…misses. Knifey guy shifts like 4 squares and smashes Rohgar with everything he’s got, bringin him to near death. He spins around for another swing and puts Rohgar down. The man shifts for Evennia and Evennia misses. Rohgar continues to die and Gabark sends an bear trap arrow flying, catching the man right square in the back. He shrugs off Gabark’s best attack and the group decides to call in the army in waiting. Two wizards and a medic are seen approaching in the distance. Rombolas walked over to Rohgar and made his best attempt to cauterize his wounds, doing a pretty good job. Blows are exchanged, Evannia heals Rohgar and brings him back from the dead and Rohgar pulls off the miracle turn, damaging the dude and healing himself further. The wizards arrive and Garbark instructs them to put the hurt on knife dude. An explosion of fire erupts from Rombolas’ hands into the guy’s face and the man is bloodied finally. Knife guy totally freaks out, spaz. Tristrim lifts his halberd high and brings it down hard on top of the knife guy. Knife man swings at Rohgar and misses. The wizards shoot mighty magic missiles at the knife fighter but its all absorbed, shit. Evennia swings and misses. The medics show up and Rohgar instructs them to standby and be ready for him to be hurtin. Rohgar misses and spends action point, and crits, woohoo, but still absorbed. More hits, more absorption WTF. Rombolas burns and Tristrim chops, finally no more absorption, the group start cuttin him down again. Knife fighter swings and misses for the final move of the evening.

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